Living In The Tension

Much, if not most, of life is lived in the tension. We celebrate at the job promotion, but suffer from the extra responsibilities. We welcome the colors that come with spring and subsequently find ourselves consumed with upkeep. We’re filled with joy as our children reach the next milestone and yet struggle with the reality of the new place in life without them. As believers, we live in the hope of heaven when someone dies. But the brutal truth is that our very human heart still experiences sorrow and loss in very tangible ways. Life is lived in the tension of two diametrically opposed things being true at the same time. And that rang true for me the other day when that phone call came.

I hadn’t heard from Brandon for months. That in itself isn’t necessarily surprising. Unfortunately, most of his adult life has been lived that way. But this time was different. He’s currently living out the results of countless wrong choices and devastating decisions. Drugs and alcohol have taken a toll, and other medical and mental health concerns have emerged. For years, I’ve navigated the anxiety that comes with uncertainty. It’s a heavy load to carry and often seeks to take me out. So every time the phone rings, I find myself for a brief moment wondering. Is this the call?

My years of experience have also taught me that the local jails all use the same service for inmate phone calls. This means that I now know and recognize the phone number. A strange sense of relief washed over me, and I took a deep breath. Clicking the round button on my phone, I heard, “This is a call from the *^#@+! County Jail. This call has a duration of five minutes and 55 seconds. Please press “1” to accept the call”.

“Hi, Mom.” The most precious words in my ears. So simple. So very sweet. It sounded like my Brandon. It didn’t sound like an inmate in a jail.

There wasn’t time to be wasted on unnecessary chit-chat; less than six minutes isn’t much time. He asked how I was. I asked if he had watched any fireworks on TV the night before. Before our call was disconnected, twice I said, “I’m your mom and I love you”. He returned the same. “I love you, too, Mom”.

I don’t know what your tension might be. But no doubt you have it. Whether you acknowledge or realize it or not. It’s there. So the question then becomes, how do you live in it? To be quite frank, I have no idea how someone does it without Jesus. I couldn’t do it alone. Trust me. I’ve tried. It doesn’t work.  Some refer to this as the “now and not yet” concept. And it’s so very true.

I’m not disillusioned about Brandon and everything he’s done. But he is my son. This picture has always been a favorite. So much promise. As long as I have Jesus, I’ll live in this tension. The reality that he’s currently not living as I have prayed, while tethered to the hope that one day my hope will be made sight.

II Corinthians 6:8-10 ~ ………through honor and dishonor, through slander and praise. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true; as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything.