I’ve been a mom for over 36 years now. It’s been one of the most rewarding and gut-wrenching journeys I could imagine. Although I don’t recall how many years ago this was, I remember the “aha” moment when I realized the correlation to my relationship with God. To this day, it impacts me greatly.
The handsome and joy-filled boy in this picture is my oldest son. This picture was from a family vacation to Arkansas with my dad, Mary Jo, and my siblings. Brandon enjoyed every minute; we all did. (Minus the drive down to Arkansas which included reading “Are You My Mother” to my youngest son over and over and over and……….Well, you get the picture.)
Writing about Brandon is difficult. You see, he hasn’t been that happy little boy for a long time. I’m not even sure exactly when things began to change. It’s pretty easy most days to sit down and write something for this blog. But I keep kicking some of the topics down the road, and this is certainly at the top of the list.
Brandon’s dad and I married while I was a senior in high school (because I was pregnant). I could add to the word count by telling you a bunch of details about those years of my life. But, in the 30,000-foot view, they don’t matter. We divorced four years later.
I spent a few years as a single mom. During that time I did a lot of things well (I worked my tail off to provide for us, etc.). Honestly though, I really sucked at a lot of things, too. I made some terrible choices. And we both suffered for those choices. So from the time he was four to sixteen, we trudged through life just trying to survive.
It’s important to acknowledge the good as well. We had a lot of that. Brandon was a fantastic student. Teachers bragged about him constantly. He had tons of athletic ability and succeeded at practically everything he tried (thanks for those good genes Papa Joe). He loved to sing and still has an amazing voice. He’s kind. So much to celebrate and be thankful for, and we laughed a lot, too.
Between some of the bad choices I made and the equally poor choices he made, he found himself deciding to leave my house. Surely life in a home without mom and her rules would be better than this. He never came back. My amazing boy didn’t even finish high school. He walked away from numerous opportunities that had the potential to completely alter the trajectory of his life. Then, at the age of 21, he became a dad for the first time.
This little girl breathed life back into him. He didn’t wake up the next day suddenly doing all the right things. But he was definitely in a much better place. My momma heart felt hope and joy.
Hope and joy were short-lived. It’s challenging to escape the life he was living. Many who influenced his decisions were detrimental in multiple aspects of his life. In and out of jail, drinking and drugs, and many other devastating situations continued to pile up. Every once in a while he’d have a clear time of making choices that brought me encouragement. And every time I’d find myself dying a little inside. That’s the only way I can describe it. My heart broke too many times to count.
But as I type these words, I can honestly tell you that my God is able. When I consider all of the times I turned my back on God and rejected what I knew I should do; it’s sobering. I have blatantly (and even boldly) stepped into hell more times than most who know me realize. Yet here I stand. Literally. Standing. On the grace and mercy and love of Jesus. I promise you that every single time I came running back, I found open arms. And He wasn’t even far away. Over and over. Time and time again. He was there waiting.
Right now Brandon is sitting in jail again. It’s become a bittersweet thing each time I find out. At least when he’s there he’s sober and safe.
It’s important to understand that we all struggle with something. (And most days it’s something bigger than janky mowing lines.) But what I want you to know is that Jesus changes everything. God has never stopped loving me and I’ll never stop loving Brandon. He made me a mom and I would give my life for his. Never give up.
Ephesians 3:14-19 ~ For this reason, I bow my knee before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith – that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.