When I began this journey, I had my hands open. No specific plan. No preconceived ideas. Just start writing from a place of complete honesty. That sounds good in theory. Right? But to be quite frank, it’s also terribly scary; and risky even. There’s a possibility of misinterpretation. Someone is likely to judge. At the end of the day, being vulnerable is just hard. Thanks to an amazing God, I’ve realized that by shifting my focus and putting Him where He belongs (as THE ONE AND ONLY HOLY GOD), I don’t need to worry about anything else. Simple obedience is all He asks for. By doing that, it’s impossible to fail. But before we talk about what that looks like, I owe you the rest of the story.
Reminder: I’m a person who has a lifetime of mistakes, wrong choices, sin, etc. Unfortunately, I was rarely (if ever) isolated in those situations. Either I was causing someone else pain, someone was heaping pain on me, or it often was both. That means to tell my story will at times not be pleasant for other people. I hope and pray that by now you’ve learned enough about me to understand that my intention never includes harm.
A third (yes, that’s what I said) failed marriage was added to my list. I lost a job that I was 100% committed to. I attempted to reconcile with Grant’s dad. Failed again. It would seem my list is endless. (And obviously I’m giving only a snippet of the full picture.)
Unless you’ve lived a toxic life, I’m not sure I could ever fully explain or describe. The manipulation. The mind games. The fear. What’s going to happen tonight? It seems ridiculous. But lying to hide things was already a part of my story. So lying to protect even the actions of someone else happened with almost no effort.
As a parent we often attempt to hide things from our kids. In hindsight, I’m not convinced that’s always the best idea. Certainly there are circumstances that warrant protecting them. That’s part of our job. I’ve also discovered that what we think we’re hiding from them often causes them to have misconceptions or to draw unhealthy conclusions about what the truth is. That can be equally detrimental. The truth can be tough. But the truth is never wrong.
I pray that God never stops teaching me. There’s always a new lesson. Maybe a fresh view. I wouldn’t even try to write them all down. Yet some of them deserve a little more attention. For instance, I finally came to the realization that being married did not define me. I embraced time alone. Enjoyed it! I poured myself into reading and studying. I forced myself to sit alone with my thoughts (those dark corners again) and deal with them. Basically, I entrusted them to God. No relationship (siblings, kids, friends, etc.) would ever truly thrive otherwise.
One of the most painful and yet beautiful things I’ve done is have raw conversation with my boys. Admitting my mistakes. Apologizing. There are surely more to be had. In those moments of being real, there was reciprocity. Vulnerability is contagious. Hiding benefits no one and hurts everyone. I can’t go back and change anything. The wounds often leave scars. And still, so much good from such unspeakable pain.
So, success and failure are now defined differently in my life. Just as I’ve put pen to paper (I’m old-fashioned and have a spiral bound notebook before I bring out the laptop) for this short series, I’m claiming success. God asked me to do something; to trust Him with it. Instead of fearing what the truth would cause people to think about me, I was simply obedient. (Admittedly hesitant. But obedient nonetheless.)
Will I have failures still? Do you know me? Good grief. Of course. What I can also tell you is that my failures will no longer be fodder for the enemy of my soul. He doesn’t get to deposit them in those dark corners any longer. Instead, I’ll continue to seek God and let Him use those failures to teach me and those around me more about Him and who He is. You see, we all need to reexamine our view of God. Once we finally accept our depravity and utter need for Him and His holiness, we can truly and fully experience grace which empowers us to seek Him even more. (That was a lot in one sentence so we should probably read it again.) To be CHANGED.
Every day we encounter broken people. Hurting people. They’re desperate. Searching. I’ve been one of them. I don’t have all the answers. But I know the One who does. He took this girl who used her confidence as a cover up for her lack, and He radically transformed all of it. Now, as only God could do, He’s taking those failures of my life and writing new chapters that bring glory to Him.
So here I sit. A failure by many accounts. A success by God’s measure. Not because of anything I’ve done. But because He is good.
Your guess is as good as mine about what comes out of this pen next. But in the meantime, you can find me out with the chickens, feeding the pigs, in the flower beds, on the porch with a glass of tea and a good book, or snuggling my doggies.
II Peter 1:3-7 ~ His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us to His own glory and excellence, by which He has granted to us His precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love.