So it pleased God that He made me for Himself. That’s what that verse in I Samuel says. So I can’t be a failure. Or maybe I still don’t have this figured out.
I divorced Brandon’s dad four years later in 1991. Another failure. So now I’m a single mom with three part-time jobs. Some weeks I’m having to decide between buying groceries and paying rent. Failing yet again.
One bright spot in the midst of those four years again involved Dave, Marcia, and Edna. They decided to cast me as Maria in the Rush County Players production of Sound of Music. At the time, I didn’t understand or appreciate the impact of their confidence and faith in me. Clearly they saw something I didn’t or couldn’t see. Or maybe they had been broken, too, and recognized someone like me. God used them to teach me even after all these years.
Now I don’t want to embark on some deep theological discussion; so, I say this with some reluctance. My biggest failure was…….not seeing God for who He truly was and is. To view God in all of His holiness would be to realize that I was always going to fall short of His standard. (Because, well, I’m not God.) That’s the measure I should’ve been concerned with. But without someone to properly disciple me, I remained lost. Broken. Confused. Living from a skewed perspective.
The next several years of my life were a picture of “doing what was evil in the sight of the Lord” and then “crying out to the Lord for help” (you can refer to verses like Judges 3:12, 4:1, 3). As if I were the Israelites, He heard and answered every time. I would choose my path. It was most likely wrong. I would see the results of my choices and ask God to save me again. But despite the deafening message from the world, God never once said to me, “You’re a failure”. I kept coming back. He kept listening.
Despite additional poor relationship choices, parenting mistakes, and a slew of other “failures”, I continued to sense this pull from God that I just couldn’t wrap my head around. To this day, I’m still sorting through some of the trash I left in those dark corners of my mind. Without hesitation I will tell you that I began to shift my thinking. Nothing earth-shattering. Probably not noticeable to most. But certainly enough that I was paying attention.
Many of you are aware of some significant life events that impacted me deeply. My brother’s death, another divorce, Brandon leaving home to live with his dad’s family, my dad’s death, and countless other situations were crucial in my spiritual development. Despite what might have been progress, I continued to live this torturous existence. That may sound exaggerated. I assure you, that’s what it felt like.
If someone gave me a compliment (i.e., I really like your hair straight), I would immediately try to deflect. In my mind, I was always the girl with the frizzy, out-of-control hair. Maybe it was as simple as, “You look nice in that jacket”. It didn’t matter if the comment came from a man or a woman. It was impossible for me to simply say, “Thank you”. That failure mentality was eroding my very soul.
I’ll emphasize again that I don’t understand where it all started. But it had such a grip on me that when a significant person said, “Women like you are a dime a dozen”, I believed him. Had I made terrible choices that had consequences? Absolutely. Was that statement from him true? You would’ve had a hard time convincing me otherwise. I was mostly failing. I was a failure.
Success meant “married happily, ever after”. Success meant “kids who………” Success meant all of those things the world wanted my life sold out to. So I put up walls. I told lies. I pretended. Until I couldn’t. Remember when I said it wasn’t sustainable? That “day” had finally arrived.
Each time I sit to write, I begin with you, the reader, in mind. Maybe one sentence will resonate and help you. I simply write what I know and leave the rest to God to sort out.
Part four I’ll make an attempt to bring us to current day. What does my life now speak to others? Am I trying to present an image that gleams on the outside but is tarnished on the inside? Am I still a failure? Who am I? Really?
Hebrews 10:14 ~ For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified.