You’re so needy. I’ve been guilty of saying that about someone (to someone). If I’m to be brutally honest, I’m not a fan of needy people. They’re just so……..well………NEEDY. But recently, I had a conversation with a coworker about some trials she was experiencing. She said, “You’re so strong. I want to respond and live like you do”. That same day, in some of my study time, I heard basically the same idea. We all look to those around us. But what many may not realize is this: MY STRENGTH IS NOT MY OWN. Let me explain in simpler terms. I’m NEEDY.
I could tell you countless stories of how God has strengthened me. Stories of how in my lack He has been my sufficiency. Over and over again how He used my need to glorify Himself. I will never grow tired of telling those stories to anyone who will listen. But something that happened four years ago remains the most humbling.
To know me is to know that I’ve been singing since the day I was born. I don’t have any special gift. I just find a tremendous amount of joy in music. It’s therapeutic to me in ways that I can’t find words to describe.
I was going to chemo and radiation treatments from November to March. It goes without saying that God used that time to teach me. (Other lessons will likely find their way into other blogs.) I had noticed big and small ways that the treatments were impacting me. The obvious hair loss was expected. The nausea and vomiting were par for the course. The general fatigue wasn’t a complete surprise. But what I didn’t count on was not being able to catch a full breath. Then I found myself fighting to sing even one line of a song. I don’t recall the time line of when it started and then when it ultimately broke me. What I can tell you is how it absolutely rocked me to the core.
You see, what I didnt’ realize is that much of my identity I had tied to my singing. It was “who I was”. So God took my breath and my song away from me. Literally. And then he said, “What else”. He needed me to understand that everything I have is because of Him, from Him, and for Him. I was NEEDY.
This went on for several months. At one point I honestly began to believe that I may never sing again. And can I tell you something? I actually thought I would be able to accept that. If I had to pick between the two, I’m definitely going with God. No discussion.
The Bible is bursting with one witness after another testifying to the strength of God in the midst of their weakness. There’s David, Isaiah, and Paul just to name a few. We often look at the story and life of David and think of strength. I mean, he did slay the giant. Then there’s Paul, who was imprisoned several times, but never showed weakness as we humanly think of it. He even sang in jail!! But what they both write tells us the source of their strength. It doesn’t involve them trying harder. There’s no counseling session or self-help group. It’s a complete and utter dependency on God. They were NEEDY.
I certainly don’t have everything figured out. I still like to control things and try harder. But I’m making progress. With each passing day. Every trial. Every challenge. I lean in. I lean on. As if my very life depends on it. Because it does. I’m needy. And I don’t care who knows it. My voice will never be what it once was. But I’m singing again. I’ll never take that for granted or wrap my identity in it. He is all I need.
II Corinthians 12:10 ~ For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Psalm 73:26 ~ My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.